Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

The Large Swiss Item

My friends, the internet is in an uproar. If you know any nerds, shield your women and children from them because they are currently in a very agitated state and may lash out, or worse, attempt to show you their blog. You may be wondering what has them so riled.

I don’t have a very good grasp of it myself, but from what I gather, some nerds in Switzerland have built a giant thing that does stuff. It’s called the Large Hadron Collider, and if you pretend that you know what it is, you automatically seem smart.

Back in my college days, I attempted to seem smart by conspicuously carrying a copy of “The Theory of Relativity” by Albert Einstein around, hoping girls would see it. Then I tried conspicuously playing guitar on the quad and poor Albert Einstein was left to gather dust and cigarette ash in my dorm room.

I guess the Swiss/French nerds never learned to play the guitar, because their giant thing finally did whatever it was built to do today. Nice work, gentlemen!

From the articles I have read, they are accelerating things down an item at speeds in excess of “fast”, and then banging them into one another, and the whole process requires energy levels of 7 or 8 higglejiggles, which is highly impressive.

As you can see here, the things are on the opposite side of the item from the stuff.

There is no doubt that we have to spend money on science, and I fully support it even though I have no idea what is going on. I have tried to understand some advanced scientific precepts, but I have a learning condition that limits me severely, which is known as “stuplazy” (a crippling combination of laziness and stupidity).

Not that I let my condition stop me from broadcasting my opinions on the internet, mind you.

My concern is that comparable levels of funds are not being spent on the arts. Where is the seven mile, 8 higglejiggle underground doohicky that pushes the theoretical limits of selfishness, I ask you? Poor Kanye West, the Einstein of selfishness, is forced to glean whatever discoveries he can just from walking around being himself.

These goings-on are concerning to me, but what is even more concerning to me is that Rupert Murdoch, the King of News, is about to shut down news entirely.

How will I monitor the Swiss/French nerd happenings now, I ask you? Perhaps more importantly, to whom will I link when I attempt to lend credo to my blogular drivel if not the New York Times? Some other person’s blog? Hah!

I would step in and create a new New York Times myself, perhaps named the Atlanta Stuff That Happened, if it weren’t for this damned stuplazia, and the fact that all my money goes into bicycles. Oh well.

Perhaps that Large Swiss Item will find an answer to these mysteries. I hope so!

2 thoughts on “The Large Swiss Item”

  1. Jonathan


    This could explain why everyone I know fell asleep at 4 o’clock this morning. Well, the ones who werent sleeping already anyway.

    Great post. I’ll talk about it to everyone I know. According to chaos theory, that should be good enough to spread the word!

  2. jim

    Is that the one with all the monkeys typing Shakespeare?