Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

Generation Zero Trailer: A New Hope!

Deep in my windowless underground hermit bunker earlier this morning, I awoke as I do every day leaping from my pallet of animal hides and sailing through the air directly to my coffee maker. Upon landing there, I made a pot of coffee.

I am so practiced at this series of movements that it does not require any of my attention and I can continue to sleep while my hands and limbs perform it.

Occasionally my trained monkey army will consider it amusing to hide my fresh ground coffee from me, or place a single shoe in the hallway for me to trip over, thus delaying fresh coffee from entering my body. These are offenses for which all participating members will be summarily dispatched, their bodies thrown to the weasels.

You talkinna me? You talkinna me?

Just jotted that down on my day planner. Thrown… to.. weasels. Yes.

Now, as you know if you spend anywhere near as much time as I do perusing the Internet for boobs or comedy, you have surely heard the nerds lamentations that the movie industry puts all the funny jokes from a comedy movie in the trailer, thus negating the need to actually see the thing in its entirety.

Well, I am happy to say that it appears that those laments have been heard and taken to heart by people who produce movies. The following shocking informative documentary, or SHOCKINFORMENTARY (all caps for emphasis) appears to have dispensed with the inclusion of anything factual whatsoever in the trailer.

Let me preface this by saying that I don’t typically talk about politics because I think the best possible jokes about it almost always appear on the Daily Show or Colbert Report before I can think of them. I’ll leave that material to the professionals.

Having said that, watch this:

Right off the bat you will notice the image of Hitler, which is a very clear symbol. You might think that he is a symbol of evil, but that’s not precisely true. There’s no doubt that he’s probably the most evil person ever to come to such power, but what he really symbolizes is that there is someone clearly to blame for whatever evil is afoot.

So you know whenever you see him pictured or mentioned outside of a historical context, someone is about to get blamed for something.

Next we see images of 1960s America, which was a golden age… except for that whole racial unrest thing. I note the lack of a photo of a black person enjoying ice cream along with the smiley whiteys. Well anyway it was a golden age damn it! Right?

Look at the way dad smiles and mom serves ice cream! I bet she does what she’s told. Hell yeah!

Then we see a peace sign, some hippies, an avalanche, some money, and a shark. Then there’s more shark, some vague words about history, and then we watch the whole thing in reverse back to a nuclear explosion. That better not have been the shark that just blew up.

This trailer makes perfect sense to me. Sharks are Hitler, and that’s what caused the hippie avalanche money crisis! It’s the untold story of the financial meltdown, I guess. Okay maybe I am still confused.

I headed over to IMDB to get some more perspective on just what was going on here, but there was no listing for Generation Zero.

So, I’m left to wonder what the movie is about. I’m a person who has watched a lot of documentaries so I assume I am the target market for a new one, but I refuse to watch anything that blames sharks for our financial woes. I just don’t think they had anything to do with it.

Besides, ever since I went as a shark on Halloween last year, I feel that they are kindred spirits.

I guess I’ll just wait and let Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert tell me what it’s about. That’s where I get all my news from anyway.

Can’t wait!