Don’t let it go to your Head Cheney

By jim | Published: February 3, 2010

The Snuggie has become a very important cultural item in recent months, and as you already know I was quite happy to receive one for Christmas. However, like any good hermit, I have been lounging about my underground lair in animal skins for years. To my mind, these are sort of like an old school Snuggie.

In fact I consider the only difference between my lounging pelts and the Snuggie to be that the Snuggie was a gift, and I had to subdue the former owners of the pelts in armed combat.

That said, in a few short moments I am going to cast off my lounging pelts and Snuggie, extinguish my Meerschaum pipe, clothe myself, and head down to my dentist’s office for some intoxicating gas and head drilling. It seems that the root canal I received a while back has gone rogue and threatens to turn my entire skull against me with the fearsome resolve and political might of a thousand 1970’s Dick Cheneys.

Moments after this photo was taken, Cheney ate the two men in the background.

I expressed a great deal of concern over these matters to my dental hygienist. Apparently I looked so sad that it made him nervous. He patted me on the shoulder.

“You ok?” He asked. “You gonna cry?”

As if I would cry over teeth! No… I was depressed over the expense! I think it also could have been my brief exposure to daytime television while I was in the chair. There was a judge show on. It was one of the stupidest things I have ever seen, and I have read my poetry.

Here’s a haiku I have composed for my cute upstairs neighbor:
O Upstairs Cutie,
You see me in tight bike clothes
I look a huge douche

You can tell regular prose from poetry because the author presses return (or “enter” for those of you born too recently) too often, and you see words like “O” instead of “Oh” and “O’er” instead of “Over” and “Lass” instead of “Be-otch”.

Compounding matters a bit is the fact that I have a meeting to attend later in the day and I need to appear to be friendly and competent. Normally I achieve this through carrying a clipboard at all times and tap dancing during my presentations, but that may prove difficult today depending on the effects of whatever sedatives I am compelled to ingest while the dentist impeaches my head Cheney.