Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

The only way to win is not to pay… for dental care

I woke up this morning at 4:18 AM with a toothache. Soon after, wary thanks to my last toothache a few months ago, my wallet also began to throb with the pain of impending large unforseen expenditure.

No wonder dentists all have such nice bikes. As soon as you reach an age where you can start making some real money, your teeth all explode into an aurora borealis of pain.

So currently the pain management center in my brain has two emergencies to worry about what with my shoulder-based attack on a tree from Tuesday night and now this tooth fiasco.

I’m not a doctor, but is all that medical training they’re required to go through really necessary? I think you can just put a digital camera up to your ear and take a photo of the insides and get a fair idea of what your brain is working on. So, that’s what I did.

Who needs a medulla oblongata when you can have Dabney Coleman?
Who needs a medulla oblongata when you can have Dabney Coleman?

As you can see here, the tiny version of NORAD that makes up the control center of my brain is currently dealing with the pain threats in red text, in addition to the smaller standing concerns listed in green. I’ve also been thinking about cycling hottie Liz Hatch and television hottie Christina Hendricks lately it seems.


In fact I’m concerned for cycling hottie Liz Hatch because her twitter indicates as I type this that her legs and ass are looking “puffy”. This is not good. If there’s anything the world needs it is more cycling women, not less. How are we going to get more girls on bikes with you telling everyone it makes your legs and ass puffy, Liz? Come on!

It’s true, she’s saying that the condition was caused by being off the bike, not on it, but I still think its a bit of a marketing blunder for female cycling as a whole.

Now that I think of it I am without any good ideas on how to market cycling to women. I broached the subject of finding a bike for a previous girlfriend of mine and she impressed upon me that should we find one for her, she didn’t intend to ride it in the road, only on sidewalks or in the park. That’s like buying a private plane and only ever using it to taxi around a runway.

So, I gave up the bike-for-girlfriend idea altogether, and a few months later she gave up on the girlfriend-for-Jim idea. Such is life.

If only I could convince my tooth to give up on the incessant-hurting idea without spending money on the fee-for-dentist idea, life would be that much better!