Writer. Warning: opinions. My lawyer advised a disclaimer, but didn't include any jokes to go with. Damned if I can think of any either.

New Year’s Eve: The Squint

I was running yesterday with my friend and co-Kilimanjaro-explorer Mike when he performed an impression of the look one gives a room of people when a certain set of criteria are met.

First, let me explain the look. I am calling it The Squint. Here are the steps:
1. Squint.
2. Peer furtively around the room.
3. Appear to be weighing your options.

Now that you have that down, let’s discuss the criteria under which The Squint should be performed.
1. It is New Year’s Eve.
2. It is Eleven o’clock or just after. Midnight is approaching.
3. You’re sure you want to make out with someone at midnight.
4. You aren’t sure who it will be.

Time to make some decisions, muchacho!

In truth, The Squint can be performed on any night. It doesn’t have to be New Year’s Eve. It could just be that the bar is about to close and you intend to sleep with someone but haven’t worked out who it will be. Or maybe you’ve worked out who it will be but haven’t broached the subject with them yet.

My advice in the latter case is just to go for it. Don’t ask what they think about it, just plant a kiss on them and see what happens. It’s better to be bold and potentially awkward than timid and polite, I believe.

My only goal this year is to enter 2010 with some semblance of my dignity. The last time anyone remembers seeing me in the first hours of 2009 was on a sidewalk in the entertainment district slap-fighting one of my closest friends with my butt crack peeking out just above my dress pants. The first time I remember being me is in my hallway not five feet from my bathroom performing a full evacuation of my stomach.

As an aside, I’ve also been broken up with while standing in that particular section of hallway. That plus the vomiting episode means I step widely around it in my day to day trips to the bathroom. I consider that section of hardwood a disaster area. I even moved my electric piano so I wouldn’t have to sit in said disaster area to play it.

My plans for this evening are to avoid drinking as many shots as I can, to perform a rap with the Sam Thacker Band, to prance around in a feather boa and top hat, and to enjoy myself with my ridiculous friends… in the suburbs.

If you happen to be there with me and midnight is approaching, look for The Squint. I’m not saying it will happen or it won’t.

I’m just saying look for it.

Happy New Year!