This morning, as I was wandering out of my room to the clanging sounds of the apartment maintenance guy knocking my washing machine around, my eyes fell upon my roommate’s laundry detergent. Now, many’s the time my covetous eyes have landed thusly, as I forget to go to the store to buy some for myself and pilfer hers willy nilly, but this time was different.

I looked blearily at the bottle, and thereupon I read the following advertisement:

With Color Safe Bleach!

Hm, allrighty, so it’s a bleach that doesn’t take any colors away. But isn’t that, like, what bleach does? It bleaches things? Here’s the definition of bleach:

v. tr.
1. To remove the color from, as by means of chemical agents or sunlight.
2. To make white or colorless.

So, yeah, bleach removes the color of something. So what’s color-safe bleach?

It’s fucking soap. The laundry detergent contains soap.

Man, I need to get into the visual art business. These guys charge a lot for their work.

I go around the internet looking at photographs and paintings and I think to myself, Hey, self, I’d like to buy one of these. Then I look at the price and I get much less avid about art purchases. I mean, my EP is only $5. It’s cheap enough that if a cat were wandering by and you wanted it to go away, you might toss a copy of my disc at it.

Not so with these visual art pricks. No way in hell would I waste a $600 painting on a wandering feline, unless it were wandering over my face, claws out.

Hey, come see me explode like a bomb at the Ten High on Wednesday night!

I’m last of three, the other two bands being Titofelix and Jondonson.

I Just got this email yesterday about a songwriting competition I submitted to:

Dear Jim,

We are pleased to inform you that the song “Mystery Love Me,” entered into the Folk/Singer-Songwriter category, has advanced to the next round of judging for the 2006 International Songwriting Competition. Please read all of the information below thoroughly.

Congratulations on this achievement. With over 14,000 songs entered into ISC 2006, making it this far along in the competition is a great accomplishment and a testament to your songwriting talent.

This is the only round of judging before the semi-finals. Receiving this email does not mean that you are a semi-finalist or a finalist. The 2006 finalists will officially be announced on February 1, 2007, and winners will be announced in March, 2007. All entrants will be informed of the results via email; finalists will also be posted on our website.

If you entered multiple songs, you will receive a separate email for each song that has advanced to the second round of judging. Please note that if you do not receive an email about a specific song that you entered, it means that the song did not advance to the second round of judging.

Please do not call or email our office to inquire about the status of the above mentioned song or any other songs that you may have entered, as we are extremely busy with the ongoing judging process. Due to time constraints, ISC does not release the number of entries that have made it to the next round of judging.

Feel free to tell others the good news about your song! When publicizing your achievement, you may mention that your song has “advanced to the next round of judging in the 2006 International Songwriting Competition.” Please do not indicate yourself as a semi-finalist or finalist at the present time.

Best wishes for a healthy and successful New Year.
Regards,
ISC

So, I advanced in some intangible way! Hooray!