Behold the awesome power of the Locktop.
Yes, of course I have been slobbering over the fancy new MacBooks at the Apple store. I want one so badly that I’m indestinguishable from a heavily sedated crazy person, except for my recently-washed underpants.
However, it is impossible to overstate the aforementioned awesome power of my current laptop, pictured above. It is called the Locktop.
Here are its specifications:
| Operating system | Windows 2000. The Locktop lacks the horsepower necessary to run XP, or even to run a decent X server with firefox and a few xterms. |
|---|---|
| Processor | PentiumII 300MHZ. I’m pretty sure that there are dildos out there with greater processing power. |
| Decals | One Frylock sticker with extra awesomeness |
| Weight | One metric Fuckton |
| Heat output | Enough to roast a grown man’s nuts in 15 minutes of use. The Locktop must only actually be on a human lap for short periods of time or grave personal injury may result. |
| Cost to me | Free, baby |
That’s right, the Locktop was given to me free of charge by my friend Doug. It’s really hard to spend $2k on a new laptop, sexy though it may be, when you have one that works (in the strictest sense) sitting around the house.
Nevermind that misuse of the Locktop may cause grave bodily harm including (but not limited to) the breakage of any number of bones if dropped from sufficient height, burning of private areas, or worse, radiation of said private areas.
Still, it does have that awesome Frylock sticker.
UPDATE: God damnit, now the Locktop is broken. I can’t get the wireless card to work at all. Fuck!
Hi. I'm 
Are you taking up a collection to buy one of these so-called MacBooks that you are loving so much? Because I would like to donate.
What kind of wireless card is it? I might have a spare you can borrow until you get your MacBook.