We went to the nearest department store, my sister and I, to get her something suitable to wear for the viewing and the funeral. I also needed a nicer white shirt than the one I had with me. My sister tried a few things on. She wanted something in brown with a pink top. I tried to help. Belk is kind of an old lady place, it seems like. Not too much with the modern clothes.
Eventually I gave up trying to help and just stared off into space through my sunglasses, which had by this time become my security blanket. I tended to cry if I thought about Mom too much, so I just kept them on, the better to fake it. I watched a pretty redhead walk by.
“Hey Annie!” a sales clerk called to her.
“Hey!” she said brightly back, going about her department store business.
I bought a plain white oxford shirt, and my sister settled on a muted outfit that wasn’t too old lady. Annie was our sales clerk when we paid for our clothes.
“So what are y’all doing for the rest of the day?” she smiled conversationally.
I crossed my arms. Boy, was she barking up the wrong tree. “We’re just doing family stuff,” my sister said.
We left Belk and went back to mom’s house. I got dressed and wrote a bit about Mom. This made me cry for a few minutes, but I got it together before anyone came to get me. Eventually it was time to leave.
We had an hour plus drive to Montgomery for the viewing at 5pm. I had to drive my car so my friends could take it back to Atlanta, so I drove alone. I don’t remember much about the drive, I was in a daze. So much so, in fact, that I missed my exit and had to take back roads through town. I learned to drive in Montgomery, though, so I knew where to go.
I had no idea if I was going to make it through the viewing. For probably the hundredth of ten thousand times I praised whatever gods there are that my sister has her husband Chuck to help take care of things, because I was totally useless. Normally during a crisis I pride myself on being clearheaded, but this time I wasn’t at all. I just didn’t want to think about anything. Chuck was there for my sister, and it’s a good thing because all I wanted to do was run away.
I had my sunglasses, though, and a bottle of Maker’s in the back seat for courage. I knew I was going to catch heat for wearing the sunglasses throughout the proceedings, but I also knew I wasn’t going to take them off and look people in the eye.
I pulled up to the funeral home.
I found Chuck and my sister. They pointed me where to go. I went inside, sunglasses on. A tiny old lady pointed me toward the correct room, and I went in. Suddenly I was in the room with the casket and my mom’s body, and I was overwhelmed with an “Oh shit…” feeling. I almost lost it, but I busied myself helping my sister place photos around the room and I got myself under control.
I started planning a way to get back out to the car to hit that bottle of whiskey before people started turning up and wanting me to talk to them.
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