I sent this letter to Coca-Cola this morning:

Dear sir or madam,

Recently while observing my girlfriend enjoying your fine root beer product, Barq’s, I had a revelation. I am quite sure that you, the Coca-Cola company, have spent a great deal of money and time on the “…has bite” slogan and associated promotional material, but I have a better one. It goes like this:

Barq up the right tree. Barq’s.

The commercials write themselves here, folks. Imagine the commercial opening on two dogs in the park. They each approach a tree, exchange a look, and the first dog puts his front paws on his tree and barks up into it, startling a bird, who commits an indescretion in solid waste form which, as luck would have it, hits dog 1.

Our hero dog barks up his tree and startles a kid with a Barq’s root beer, who drops it. The dog catches it, and we close with the slogan.

Barq up the right tree. Barq’s.

You can see how this is marketing gold, no doubt.

You may use my idea for the low low price of a lifetime supply of Coca-cola products for myself and my girlfriend. I await your response!

Sincerely,
Jim Hodgson

Stop looking at me. I mean it.

Well, I made a turkey out of porn for everyone’s thanksgiving, but my girlfriend didn’t find it very funny and it seems dumb now SO… I made one out of alligators instead.

As for why alligators are a good substiture for porn, I have no idea. Ask the alligators. Or just go read CNN.com instead.

Happy porn-free thanksgiving!

A lot of you have asked if you can buy me things, and believe me the answer is yes. THe only problem is that when I say “a lot of you”, what I mean in reality is “none of you”.

I am hoping that this trend will change, however, and as such, I have made a wishlist to aid you in your change of heart.

Get crackin’!

Check out my fancy assed audio player over there ———————>

I learned how to do it from this tutorial, and I am quite proud of myself, even though it took me a couple of weeks and I gave up several times out of frustration and stupidity.

Behold the face of the anti-girlfriend.

Scientists working deep in a lab underground have been involved in sinister experiments, this much we know. They have kidnapped people’s girlfriends and used them to try to understand their very essence. From this research comes a substance known only as Batchelorium. Reports from the street, though distorted and questionable, say that it is sort of like kryptonite for girlfriends. It has been shown unquestionably, however, that this substance causes immediate discontent and unrest among girlfriends and is likely to cause them to detonate if they come in contact with too much of it.

I believe that the Sony Playstation and the game San Andreas are both manufactured from pure Batchelorium. Diabolical bastards!

Yes, friends, this is terrible news for girlfriends, but the good news for us is that it’s hella fun! The night I brought it home and started playing it, my girlfriend saw me mugging someone with a hunting knife and nearly fell over dead from the shock of so much concentrated Batchelorium.

“STABBING PEOPLE?!” she shouted.

All I could manage through a haze of Batchelorium intoxication was a giggle.

The effects of Batchelorium are not without drawbacks for the men, I am sad to report. Only last night I wanted to break the whole game console into tiny little pieces and mail it to Rockstar Games with a note that said, simply, “EAT SHIT”. This was, as those of you who have played the game know, a direct result of having to fly a model plane to shoot down some minivans and people on bicycles. If you have played the game, you understand.

So, don’t go out and buy this game if you expect good relations with your girlfriend to continue. We have science to thank.