Today I narrowly escaped certain death at the hands of a vicious beast known to his victims as “Squirtle”. He is the “pet” of my new roommate Katie. When I say “pet” I mean “Lord and master”. Let the record show that I observed him attacking the hapless Italian Mossimo earlier today.
Luckily I arrived in time to photograph the dog’s nuts and save Mossimo.
Some cynical or skeptical members of the reading public might ask how a photograph of a dog’s nuts would cause him to break off an attack. This is a very valid question, and my reply is: Shut the fuck up!
As you can see, the beast has a prodigious nut bag, which only adds to his fearsomeness. His favorite method of torture is what I like to call the “45 second bark cycle” in which he emits a bark once every 45 seconds or so. It’s like chinese water torture, only without any water or chinese.
Anyway, I got a photo of his nuts and saved the day, but he spotted me!
Look at that glare. You are staring into the very eyes of death! The eyes of a depraved killer!
Ok let’s face it, they are the eyes of a retard.
Katie saved Squirtle from a family who rarely fed him and regularly beat him. Now Katie lives at our house, so Squirtle does too. He’s a little wierd, and has problems moving around without falling over, but he’s nice enough. I just think he’s treated like a bit of a pansy by Katie and my girlfriend, so I want to try to build up his self confidence by telling people he’s a vicious killer.
Here you can see him being coddled by my girlfriend.
Now how the hell am I going to get him feeling like a warrior again with this shit taking place. Also, I’d like to change his name to The Fearsome Nutbag or something like that, but I have a feeling that’s not going to go over very well.
When he first got here no one knew what his name was. Troy called him Scooter. Mellie called him Reesie Cup. I called him Shakes. He plotted revenge.
REVENGE, MOTHER FUCKER!
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Squirtle is the scariest attack dog ever. Fear has crept into the core of my very being just from glancing at these photographs.
No, wait, that was gas.