Hi Jim: Thanks for your interest in Creative Loafing, but We aren’t in the
market for freelance humor columns at this time. We’re a pretty strictly
formatted paper, and we just don’t have a slot for it. The majority of
freelance articles we run are in the Vibes and Food & Drink sections, with
occasional pieces in Arts, Flicks and Nightshift.
Suzanne Van Atten
Associate Editor A&E
Creative Loafing
Well, there’s a no. I emailed her back and thanked her for her time anyway. It seems to me that they are in the market for freelance humor columns at this time, since the ones they print are no more funny than a teaspoon of asbestos, but I’m not going to bother arguing with Ms Van Atten about it.
So, anyone have any ideas?
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Hi. I'm 
Jim, will you please please please print out this entry and mail it to that sixth grade teacher? Don't sign your name, don't offer any explanations – just track down her address and mail it to her. Then tell us about it. Thanks.
Man, she was just trying to do her job. Besides, that small moment may have made me who I am. if she had let me go on writing like that I might have become a banker or a giraffe shit shoveler or something.
At least your method of making school more interesting caused you to learn something in the process. I tried to make school fun via the old “hide-the-interesting-work-of-fiction-in-the-textbook-and-pretend-to-be-really-engrossed-in-the-subject” method. All I learned from that was how long various teachers would hold my interesting works of fiction hostage.
What's with this sudden giraffe fixation?
fixation schmixation, you'll notice chickens also get a mention.
Try applying to some indie newspapers. I don't know where you live, but in Toronto eye and NOW magazine always seem pretty open to new columns.