My dream last night consisted of some social worker woman trying to help me. I guess she thought I was poor, but I kept trying to explain to her that I am doing just fine.

Also, there were some evil monsters trying to get me. They were haunting the places I lived in and generally being real nuisances. My friend had a bat attach itself to him, but we eventually got the bat off him.

I noticed that the monsters were getting bigger and bigger each night, so I figured hte big badass monster was coming along shortly. I wished the monsters would just fuck off and leave me alone.

One night I was in my room and I saw something make a shadow under the crack in my door. I crept to the door and opened it, and it was the big badass monster all right! Eek!

He was dressed in all black lycra like a comic book villain, but he had a pair of red speedos on and also some red on his face, kinda like a wrestler. Anyway, I tried to sneak across the hall behind him after he walked by, but he caught me by the neck!

He lifted me up and was telling me how he was going to really fuck me up now that he had me, but I punched him in the arm that was holding me by the neck and he let me go. Haha! Take that badass monster!

He was about to grab me again but I kicked him square in the plums as hard as I could. he sort of hunched over and grabbed his business with one hand and gave me the finger with the other hand, and that was the end of the dream.

So, don’t be bringing any fucked up monster-doings to my place, or you’re going to get your nuts kicked. I’m warning you, evil doers!

I got a stern talking to from my boss this morning. Seems my performance is sub par. What a shock!

Man, I am the slackest of the slack when it comes to details and work and shit. Terrible!

Thank god no one has to depend on me for a meal or medical care. They’d be dead.

Do you guys ever feel like you just can’t pay any attention to what people say at all?

I’ve gotten to the point where I almost don’t even bother to listen to people talk about themselves or their feelings or whatever, because their actions will show you exactly what they really think.

I was thikning this earlier while playing my new favorite game. It’s called The Slow Game, and you play it by moving as slowly as possible. It’s not a good game to play while you’re driving. Don’t try it. Trust me. People honk.

I get bored playing The Slow Game usually after a minute or two. I have a low tolerance for boredom, my mom says. She may be right.

Another game I like a lot is Convince People of Ridiculous Shit a.k.a. the Lying Game. This weekend I convinced Shayla that Maya Angelou wrote a poem about the taint called “Taint the butt, Taint the balls”, but she called bullshit when I couldn’t keep a straight face. She gets mad at me for doing stuff like that because she thinks it means I think she’s stupid. She’s not stupid, just sensitive.

I can’t tell her right then that I don’t think she’s stupid, because then she accuses me of just saying that to make her feel better.

So instead I just let it drop and waited a few hours, then called her up and told her I think she’s beautiful and interesting and sexy and the best singer I have ever known, all of which is true. That made her feel good.

What makes me feel good is that I talked to my lawyer, and I’m not going to jail. Woop! He got the charge busted down on a technicality, so I’m free as a bird. Yay for my rock and roll lawyer with the big red beard! Thank jesus, because my sister is getting married this weekend and if I were in jail and not able to attend my mom would kill me dead.

And that would be a pisser.

Okay people. I’ve been working hard on this so take a look